i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
is it fun? or sober?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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