omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
