It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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