Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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