When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
