i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
