My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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