just come out here and I will go home with you...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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