I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
