Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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