I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
