It's Friday. Sex?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
are you so shy because you have an std?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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