I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
