I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
