This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
