There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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