2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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