Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
