can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
