Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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