So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
