What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
