At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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