i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
