Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
