dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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