the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
