so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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