i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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