When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My vagina is officially offended.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
