everyone is single if you try hard enough
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think your dad took our porno
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
