two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
