Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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