i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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