You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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