i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
