i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
