my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
