Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
