I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
