nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
