I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sorry about my life...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
