The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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