Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
no, he came in my armpit
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
