I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
