So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
