best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
