Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
