I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's never too late to be topless.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
