i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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