I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
