I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
