how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
